Just Ask Georgia: 3/12/2025

GEORGIA, I have a question,

I never wanted to be a father. After one too many scares in college, I got the snip. I didn’t tell my mother or sisters because, frankly, as much as it may upset them, our family name dying out doesn’t affect me - we aren’t the royals.

Over the holidays, I messed around with a family friend's daughter several times. Yesterday, I was woken up by a furious phone call from my mother. The daughter claimed to be pregnant, and I was named as the father. My brain didn’t catch up to my mouth - I told my mom that was impossible since I’d had a vasectomy.

My mother and sisters have been freaking out ever since. I am apparently too stupid and too young to choose not to be a father, and my future wife owns my body. I finally sent a text in the family chat: no weiner, no opinion. I’ve been blocking everyone until the end of the month to give them time to cool off. I’m enjoying the quiet, but I don’t want to cut my family out of my life forever. So what now?

SNIPPY SNIP

Dear SNIP,

Wow, this is so much penis-talk with your family. Maybe your folks can adopt my father’s approach to genitals - he seems to break with reality any time they are mentioned. He once turned off an animal documentary because two frogs started to mate. If I told my dad I got my tubes ties, he’d indeed be upset in the same way your family seems to be, but his first reaction would be, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR TUBES!” and tghen he would dig a hole into the Earth’s core and live there forever.

This is a lot of ball-talk for the people you’re related to. If you want to have a relationship with them, you must accept some of their upset. Go over for dinner, and keep things cute and casual. If your refusal to sire an heir comes up, tell everyone you’re not going to discuss it further. If they won’t give it up, just leave. You are an adult, and this is no one’s business other than yours.

Now, should you be porking your family friends? No, stupid. If you want to keep your family out of your sex life, don’t wag the family jewels at the neighbor’s daughter.

Have a question for Georgia? Email her at whledger@gmail.com.

Please note: this column is just for fun. No person, animal, or property has ever been harmed or in danger. Satire is “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”