Just Ask Georgia: 1/22/2025

GEORGIA, I have a question,

My five-year-old started kindergarten this year and has made many new friends. We recently invited one of these friends over for a playdate; in return, my daughter was invited to her friend’s father’s house (her parents are not together).

When we take our daughter to a playdate with a new friend, we always go in with her and then stay long enough to ensure everything is good, meet the parents, etc. My partner took our daughter over to this playdate and reported that the apartment was “very messy” but that, after a friendly five-minute conversation, he decided it was okay to leave her there. I picked her up.

“Messy” did not do the place justice. Every room was jam-packed with things. There were empty beer bottles all over the kitchen. It was dirty. It was VERY clear a woman did not live there. I would never send her back there.

What’s the etiquette on how to refuse an invite in the future? Or am I overreacting? Can I tell him why and hope that he picks up the house for future guests? And my biggest question: if it had been me taking her there, I wouldn’t have left her there in the first place; so, what’s a polite way of taking your child home from a playdate soon after arriving?

DON’T WANNA BE RUDE, BUT...

Dear DON’T,

There is no polite way to take your child home from a playdate soon after arriving. Of course, if the environment or the parent strikes you as dangerous, forget politeness. Be kind to the child in question, but don’t worry about making up a believable excuse for the parent’s sake - just get out of there. To the child, you can say gently, “I’m so sorry, but we’ve got to go.” Nothing else needs to be said. (There is then the question of that child’s safety and well-being, but you didn’t ask me about that, so I’ll set that aside as another question for another time.)

You don’t mention believing your daughter and her friend were in danger, though. You did note it was apparent a woman did not live there and that you were appalled by the untidiness, clutter, and dirtiness - and maybe by the fact that there was evidence of beer having been drunk (or, in any case, that the empty bottles perhaps acquired over days or weeks,, had not found themselves to the trash bin).

So let me offer this advice about first playdates when children are this young: Don’t plan to be so quick to leave. Can you really get a read on a person or a situation in a mere five minutes? Your child is only five - their friend is their friend, but their safety is your responsibility. I’m guessing the mention of no woman onsite was made because you may feel that men can’t provide a safe, clean environment for a child. That’s not the case for everyone, but keep your gut instinct in mind while deciding as to whether or not your child should stay over. And, of course, be ready for another parent to feel the same about you in the future possibly.

With love, GEORGIA