Cousin Cleavon's Holiday Return: Dos and Don'ts of a Redneck Thanksgiving Dinner

Editor's Note: As many may remember, Cousin Cleavon graced the Whitehall Ledger's pages with many a Redneck Recipe in editions of the past. Cleavon is making a triumphant return to Whitehall with some pearls of wisdom on what to do and what NOT to do this Thanksgiving.

We have just come back to Whitehall from the biggest trip me and the missus have been on. We traveled the world to find ourselves and recipes to tell you.

I noticed today that Thanksgiving is this week, and most of us are thinking, who is going to open their dumb mouth this time? We all have one person who talks politics, but I am more concerned about the weird uncle or husband who says something about the cooking and must live in the doghouse for a week.

So, for all the men and women who don't disengage their mouths from their brains, here are a couple of things not to say during turkey day.

• If you are not cooking the meal, don't ask, "Is it done yet?"

• For the people who are over 50, don't say I can do it better because you will be the one cooking next year.

• If you see a Marie Calendars box in the garbage, don't say, "Oh, didn't have time?" That is just rude. It is better to say, "I see you opened the box yourself."

• For all the people who hate others in their kitchen, don't yell, just tell them there are beers hidden in the yard and we are starting the annual Easter hunt early this year. This will get most of the free-loaders out of the house for an hour.

• For those who attend a dinner where they fry the bird, remember we all like sitting around a fire pit with a beer, so when the fryer starts on fire, it's just like what we do all summer long. But a bit warmer.

• For all those people who have a turkey emergency, one of the biggest turkey companies has a free line to call on Thanksgiving. So, when your mother-in-law says you're doing it wrong, call 1-800-BUTTERBALL (1-800-288-8372).

DO NOT tell the cook to call them!! DO NOT call until your significant other has checked to see if the bathroom is clean enough. An added benefit: She will clean it for you. Drawback: You'll never hear the end of THAT.

• Please don't call the cops over a little fight like the gravy was not the right temperature.

• Only call 911 if the house is on fire, someone has fallen because they have eaten too much to get up, or your uncle Bob has shot someone again, showing off his new hunting gun.

Can we hurry up the dessert so we can get trampled in WalMart?

Happy Thanksgiving!