Before You Sleep on the Ground, Read This

What fun: You're going on a guided outdoor trip. As you get ready, here are some tips from actual guides about what to expect, as these patient men and women have experienced a few trips that did not go well.

First, follow the packing list. Do not leave your raingear at home because your brother tells you it never rains in the desert. If it is 100 degrees in the shade at your house and the list recommends a down parka: bring it. It can and will snow at 10,000 feet in midsummer.

If the guide goes through your pack removing extraneous objects and gets the weight down from 40 to 20 pounds, do not put the discards back.

If food is provided, you will be given a preferences/allergies form. Obviously you will want the chef to know if peanuts will put you into a coma, but if you will not eat spinach or chard, include that as well. If you employ a strict diet for reasons of philosophy-meat is murder! Or fad diets-carbohydrates are suicide! Keep it to yourself. Description of a First World resident: We define ourselves by what we refuse to eat.

If the guide tells you not to ride past the Burr Trail switchbacks in Utah, do not ride past the Burr Trail switchbacks. If the guide says, "Drink some water," drink some water.

Be honest about your medical background. Do not, upon arrival at the first day's campsite, mention that you have diabetes and did not say anything beforehand because you were afraid they would not allow you on the trip.

Do not lie about your physical abilities. You tell yourself you have six months to get into shape, but we know what the road to hell is paved with. Walking the dog twice a day instead of once is not a strenuous exercise routine.

Be realistic. On the first morning of a five-day mountain bike tour, a participant announced that he had never been on a bike in his life. The entire first day was spent teaching him how to ride and the itinerary readjusted to fit his needs.

Do not stop taking your medications. Medicines can have side effects. Stopping a long-term medication may also have side effects. I did not know that stopping anti-depression meds could cause massive irritation until a non-medicated hiker grabbed their gear and stomped off in a snit.

Don't be selfish. I was on a on river trip that eliminated all day hikes because one person threw a hissy about "wasting time" that could better be spent sitting on the beach drinking Mai Tais.

Don't be a twit. I was busily bisecting bagels one morning to prepare lunches when a would-be epicurean loftily told me not to touch his bagel. "Bagels should be sliced just prior to eating." Everyone began demanding that I stop molesting their bagels until the senior leader chimed in. "Those bagels have been bouncing around in packs for three days! Give us a break!"

Use the equipment you will rely on: Try out that new bicycle. Put up that tent, inflate that air mattress. Carry that backpack with the proposed equipment within. You may decide to abandon those hardback books.

Female guides are every bit as competent as their male counterparts. Resist "mansplaining" or telling them they look so amazing lugging gear or rowing a boat.

Guides will not break the law for you. If there is a ban on fires, they will not build a fire-even if you promise not to tell.

Every company advertises knowledgeable guides, but I have overheard some outlandish "facts" from outdoor companies. Spoiler: Rocks in the Grand Canyon are not red because they are encrusted with dust from Sedona, Arizona, nor do they attract lightning.

If you want a true educational trip, opt for one offered by a nonprofit organization.

A guided trip can still lead to frustration. It can rain for days, high winds can make putting up a tent a chore and blisters can manifest. But if you're prepared to accept some hardship, getting outdoors can also lead to new friendships and a more relaxed approach to adventure. Maybe, even, it can be the trip of a lifetime.

Marjorie "Slim" Woodruff is a contributor to Writers on the Range, writersontherange.org, an independent nonprofit dedicated to spurring lively conversation about the West. She works as an educator at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.