Just Ask Georgia: 1/4/2023

Georgia, I have a question,

I am 52 and getting married in about six months (first). My best friend, whom I love dearly, is assuming I want her to be my matron of honor. I have not asked her because she weighs about 400 pounds. I hate myself for not wanting her to be in the wedding because it would just break her heart. People stare at her and point as she is also very short, so it looks worse (if we can say that). I feel awful, but I am just being honest. I don’t want her to ruin my wedding photos. How can I handle this?

Matron Problems

Dear Problems,

Since you are being honest, I’ll be honest as well. I find your sentiments repulsive. How sad that your best friend has a best friend who actually is one of those people who would mock and stigmatize her. It’s one thing if you conclude, “Hey, I’m 52, so I’m a little old for matrons of honor and all that frou-frou.” It’s quite another if you want to exclude her because you think she’d ruin your wedding photos.

If you’re coming to me for a polite way to tell your friend she looks appalling, you’ve come to the wrong place.

With love, Georgia

Georgia, I have a question,

Should I tell my parents I’m adopted? Also, how do I know that the child I just gave birth to isn’t adopted? Should I get a DNA test? I know they make paternity tests - do they make maternity tests?

Confused Daughter & Mommy

Dear Confused,

Oh, my. Yes, you are. Very. VERY confused. So let’s start with the first question. Have you found actual hard evidence that you are adopted? Because, if not, you probably aren’t. Do you just have a feeling? Or? What? Because unless your parents are holding out a secret of your adoption, YOU aren’t going to surprise them that you are adopted (because you aren’t) unless there is some kind of physical proof to present.

Now, secondly. Your child CAME FROM YOUR BODY...therefore, it is yours. I think you need to reevaluate your understanding of the word adoption.

With love, Georgia

Georgia, I have a question,

Do you think NASA invented thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles?

Thunderstorm Realist

Dear Realist,

Yes, actually, I do. I am glad you have broached this topic and brought it to light because I in no way believe those storm clouds dumping rain down upon us are real. It has GOT to be space battles.

With love, Georgia

Have a question for Georgia? Email her at whledger@gmail.com.

Please note: this column is just for fun. No person, animal, or property has ever been harmed or in danger. Satire is “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”