COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Yeti Mints

Yetis are close cousins of sasquatch. Yetis live in the Himalayas and other cold places, including Alaska, but just like humans, they like to visit their families at Christmas. So, when winter hits in Montana, Alaska yetis walk down to see their cousins.

You are wondering, if they walk down from Alaska, why do we never see them? Yetis have the ability to make snowstorms so that no one can see them or trace them. They also have thick fur, with the chameleon-like ability to blend into the background, wherever they are. The heavy coat, plus fat-folds that keep them warm, lead to fungal growths. However, unlike other animals who suffer from them, the yeti fungus is a symbiotic minty fresh mushroom.

Sometimes, on the long trek down to Montana, the yeti might die. When this happens, the other yetis bury the body in the snow. After 3 days in the snow, mint stalks start to grow. I don’t mean mint plants, like grandma grows in her garden, but I mean mint candy-canes, like kids received at the Christmas Festival.

This happens because there are mint mushrooms growing all over the yetis. When the yeti dies, the mushrooms grow out of control. As the mint mushrooms push out of the snow, they become straight mint stalks. Among yetis, this is known as being in mint condition after they die.

Harvesting the mint mushroom stalks can be difficult. First, they are very hard to find and on top of that they are always on the top of a mountain. Then when you pick the mint stalks you need to pick the top four inches. Any lower and it tastes like lamb with mint jelly on it. When you first cut them, they are like touching cookie dough. It takes the mint 2 days to harden. If you want, mint candy cane or candies you need to shape or cut it within those two days.

If the yeti has been deceased for too long, the candy tastes abominable and it’s best to just leave him a laying where you found him. Bon Appetit!