COUSIN CLEAVON'S REDNECK COOKING: Dinner or No Dinner

This week we are hunting for the most elusive bird in all the world. The blue footed red tit snipe. I have tried for years and years to catch a snipe, hearing many old wives say their meat is as tender and tasty as wagyu beef.

For years I have gone outside at exactly 2:15 AM to try and catch a snipe. They are only awake from 2:15-2:45 AM. That time gives them enough time to hunt and procreate. I don't think I appreciated the necessary precision and following the rules to the letter, but I learned. So, pay attention!

Once you are outside, you need to be dressed in a pink Panama hat with a purple hat band and an orange suit with a polka-dot vest. Please remember that if you don't dress exactly like that you will never see one. Then you must have a bell (but it mustn't sound at all like a dinner bell, or they will know they are the game afoot!), and ring it every 56 seconds. This helps the snipe find you.

Please remember not to do this next to your wife's window or in a suburb. No one likes to be woken up that early by a not-dinner bell!

After the bird has heard the bell, he/she should land on your hat. Then you need to whistle the song "Home on The Range". This will make the eardrums of the snipe explode, but keep your eyes peeled so some lonesome cowboy, or playing antelope, doesn't crash your hunt. After the snipe cannot hear, then you can kill it any way you like. You want to cut the breasts off the snipe and keep the feet to make some poor-man's potato chips.

As an aside, and a way to make some pocket change, carefully trim the hair that crests the top of its head. It is very fine and sells quite well to optics makers for their famous sniper scopes.

INGREDIENTS:

1 Blue footed red tit Snipe

Black sea salt

Bacon drippings or, just to git 'er done, ¼ stick of butter

DIRECTIONS:

1. With a cast iron pan sear the breast in drippings or butter and pinch of salt.

2. See previous column, or my upcoming recipe book, for poor-man's potato chips.

Bon Appetit! P.S. these recipes aren't verified, but let us know if you give them a try!