It's a Spherical-Miracle!

I used to adore hard edges and corners. My favorite things growing up were edgy. I played with wooden building blocks for hours. Oh sure, I had a frivolous fling with Play-Doh. But my true love was Legos. Art? Picasso’s The Three Musicians still seems to “jiggle” every molecule in the room. Craps is my favorite casino game. I love rolling them bones. And I find the tinkling sound ice cubes make when splashed with Wild Turkey enchanting.

But then I grew long in the tooth. As my metabolic rate slowed to a crawl I wised up. Now, it’s the sphere I hold dear.

Of all natural and human-contrived forms, I find the sphere most validating. From ascending bubbles in Yellowstone’s mud pots to the sun’s daily arc, spheres are everywhere; we live on one! But why? Why not a cube, cylinder, or some amorphous bloblygon?

Let’s go bowling. My buddy Bucky loves his “lucky ball.” He just rolled four strikes in a row! But will he look at his ball and then ask himself why there are no rattlesnakes in the polar regions? Is his cranial circuitry capable of such a leap? Maybe. Surely thoughtful bowlers exist. How about it, Buck?

Here’s the deal. Spheres are nature’s most efficient shape because they have the lowest surface area to volume ratio. Orbs optimize the conservation of space, energy, and matter. Travel north or south from the equator. As you do, the shape of all lifeforms, plant, and animal, the transition from linear-like toward spherical-ish. Why? To conserve energy: heat. Huge elephant ears and the linear shape of the anaconda evolved for the same reason: rapid heat loss. They’re living radiators. Elephants and snakes would freeze in the arctic.

In contrast, consider the shape of polar bears and arctic hares. They would cook on the equator. It’s all about solar energy, its duration, and its angle of impingement - from one sphere to another. Hey Bucky. Try picking up that seven-ten split by rolling a cone.

Spheres are also nature’s strongest shape. Think of a soap bubble; its skin a thin fragile film. It ascends from the child’s bubble wand into the air, persisting for a remarkable time. Adhesion, cohesion, and surface tension combine forces to form and maintain the bubble’s spherical shape and delay failure. Pop. Nothing’s perfect! The first deep-sea diving bells, before the advent of synthetic materials and advances in engineering, were spherical by design, to withstand the pressure of multiple atmospheres down deep. Obviously, there’s more to the sphere than meets the eyeball.

I don’t think perfect spheres occur naturally. The closest facsimiles are human contrivances. But from apples to hominy, and wheel bearings to cannonballs, we rely on close replications of this ubiquitous geometric form. What’s the point of all this? We’re a long way from the equator! So finish your Fettucine then meet me at Cold Stone. Our motto: “Efficiency and Strength!”

Author’s note: This is an unabashed admission of mass failure!

Toford Kroshus is the pen name of a humorous writer from the Whitehall area.