The Interface

“Hello. I’m Chip. How may I help you?”

“Good morning Chip.” (Wow, is he hot!) “I’m here for my job interview.”

“Your name please?”

“Kinky. Kinky Kroshus.”

“Please have a seat Ms. Kroshus. You will be interfaced shortly,” said Chip.

“Don’t you mean interviewed?”

“Oh. All our job interviews are conducted by humatrons Ms. Kroshus. We refer to it as interfacing. We find artificial intelligence superior to human judgement,” Chip responded.

“But you hire humans?”

“Yes. But only for positions which don’t require decision making.”

“Hey Chip, would you like to grab a drink with me after work?”

“I don’t drink.”

“Dinner?”

“I don’t eat. Please have a seat.”

----

“Welcome Ms. Kroshus. I’m Dale. May I call you Kinky?”

“Well Dale, I’d prefer being Kinky to you.” (Jeeze. Another looker!)

Applicant is socially awkward. Mmmmmmmmmmm -click.

“What’s that noise, Dale?”

“Kinky. Please place your right hand, palm down, on the purple pad and insert your left index finger into the gold ring affixed to the tabletop. Then, place the red headset over your ears: in that exact order. Think you can do that?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Applicant is not logical. Mmmmmmmmmmm-click. “Also Kinky, throughout the interfacing you must focus your left eye on the pulsating amber light in my right nostril. Absolutely no blinking until the interfacing is concluded. Might require as much as thirty minutes. Do you understand?”

“It ain’t rocket science.”

Applicant is arrogant. Mmmmmmmmmmm-click.

“What the hell is that noise?”

“So Kinky. Which position you are applying for?”

“C’mon Dale! You mean to tell me you don’t know?”

Applicant is intolerant. Mmmmmmmmmm-click.

“I said STOP DOING THAT! I’m applying for Entry Level Influencer.”

‘May I ask why?”

“Well Dale, I used to be an Explainer… and...”

“Please continue Kinky.”

“I find explaining difficult. Now influencing? Anyone can bullshit. Right?”

Applicant lacks work ethic. “So, you find facts to be problematic?”

“Hell’s bells R2Dale2, don’t you?”

Applicant is lazy and offensive. Mmmmmmmmmmm-click.

“If you don’t quit that I’m gonna yank your friggin cord!”

Applicant is quick to anger. Mmmmmmmmmmm-click. “Sorry Kinky. It’s just a sound effect. It’s a stop-gap audible to eliminate silence while I’m collating data. Humans dislike silence.”

“I’m starting to love it.”

Applicant is sarcastic. Mmmmmmmmmmm-click. “Kinky. Would you prefer music instead? I can program a specific artist or genre, or a random selection of tunes.”

“Tunes. Random please.”

They did the mash…they did the Monster Mash…click. “Okay Kinky. Moving right along. I’m going to place you in a real-world scenario. Your task will be to successfully influence the outcome. Do you understand?”

“Easy-peasy.”

Applicant feigns confidence. My pappy said son you’re gonna drive me to drinking if you don’t quit driving that hot rod Lincoln… click

“Kinky. Let’s proceed. “One of our new product lines is underperforming. Sales of our Komfy Kitty Kat Kone-Of-Shame accessories have slumped, while at the same time the cat owner demographic continues to expand nationwide. Our line of accessories includes catnip packets, front and back paw cuffs, dingle balls, custom graphics, L.E.D. lighting… ”

“Wait! What the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you own a cat Kinky?”

“No.”

“A dog?”

“Rottweilers. A pack of em. And a chimpanzee. They’re not pets.”

“Do you own a pet of any kind?”

“Yeah. Slinky. My Australian Boa.”

It’s midnight at the oasis…put your camel to bed…click

“Well Kinky, Let’s stop. We’ve heard enough. Thank you. We’ll have an Interface Summary Report and a hiring decision in a few seconds…oh, it’s printing out now. And here we have it. Our policy is to read the summary analysis and hiring decision out loud to the applicant. Would you like to hear what Bernie the big brain in the back decided? He does the hiring.”

“Yeah. Of course!” I gotta good feeling about this.

“Okay Kinky, here we go. We’ve concluded that you are socially awkward, illogical, arrogant…”

“What! You watch your mouth bolts for brains!”

“…intolerant, offensive, have anger issues…

“That’s B.S. and you know it!”

“… you lack self-discipline, are overly aggressive, and overconfident…”

“I’m nothing like that you jackass! Obviously, Bernie’s big brain ain’t wired right. And you two! What a waste of good eye candy!”

“…prefers snakes over product related pets…”

“I refuse to work for you moronic machine heads.”

“…nevertheless, Ms. Kroshus. We’ve been influenced. We think you’re a perfect fit. Congratulations. I am hereby offering you the position of Entry Level Influencer. Here’s Dale with the employment contract. Of course we’ll need your signature. Here’s a pen; please sign here.

“Take that pen and shove it up your… whatever you’ve got down there.”

“Excuse me Kinky?”

“I know the way out, but I’ll be back! The word taser mean anything to you?”

“No. Please explain.”