Column: Button Fly

I don't really get home to Wyoming to visit family and friends as much as I would like. It's not necessarily the seven-hour drive that is a burden, it is instead falling way too behind at work which is never fun.

Earlier this month I had a good friend getting married and I decided to make a quick trip to attend his wedding. I had not been home in nearly two years and would have liked to stay for a few days but instead would arrive in my driveway 33 hours after I had left. Considering 14 hours of that was driving and another seven was sleeping, this did not leave much time for anything.

I had an amazing time at the wedding and had even purchased a new outfit for the event. I normally don't buy a lot of new clothes through the year, so it was a nice treat for myself to get something nice. I used to have a sense of style but now I'm content with a hooded sweatshirt and jeans, so it was nice to get out of the box. I was also pleasantly surprised when my mom gave me a pair of jeans. This was until I realized they were of the button fly variety. I remember the "heyday" of this style of jeans and having a few pairs growing up. I always hated them, and it made going to the bathroom a real chore. I just like to get in and out of the restroom, not mess around with awkward buttons. It's kind of hard to explain, but I really don't want to feel like I'm buttoning a shirt after I use the bathroom.

I had not thought of this style of pants in years until Christmas and later got a pair from my mom. I don't know if I look like someone who enjoys button fly jeans or if they were on sale, but I just keep getting them and I don't understand why.

When I returned home from the trip, I decided I would wear the pants from Wyoming to work. When I put them on, I could tell right away they were not going to fit, but I was too tired for shenanigans and tried my best to connect those awkward buttons. I finally made it to the final button and thought I had a chance to complete the last stage and gave it all my energy to quickly get the button fastened. It was at this point I jerked in the wrong direction and instantly I could feel something was wrong with my back. I abandoned the final button and just sat down on the floor and realized I had just hurt myself trying on pants that haven't been cool since the 1980's.

As much as I wanted to blame it on the pants, I also realized it also probably had much more to do with getting older. There are certainly some great things about getting older, but getting a minor injury doing something simple is not one of them. I had probably set myself up for disaster by dancing quite a bit at the wedding the prior Saturday. I'm not much of a dancer but for some reason figured it would be a great idea at the wedding reception. Looking back on my dancing I'm not only embarrassed for myself; I'm embarrassed for all the people who had to watch me.

I slowly improved as the week proceeded and by Friday morning was feeling much improved. I was getting dressed that morning when I grabbed a pair of jeans to see it was the pair my sister had given to me as a Christmas present. I knew for sure this pair fit, but I wanted nothing to do with button fly jeans.

For a moment I kind of wanted to set them on fire, but instead I just threw them across the closet. I was scared of tweaking my back again.

I'm not sure when I will make it to Wyoming again, but do hope it is sooner than two years.

I also want to make it crystal clear that I really enjoy gifts, that I would really appreciate if people would stop purchasing me button fly jeans.