Serving Southern Jefferson County in the Great State of Montana
Serving Southern Jefferson County in the Great State of Montana
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I bet you are scratching your head thinking, where do I find a monkey in Montana? Well...about 15 years ago, I went to a pet store in a larger city up north, and there, in the back, they had monkeys for sale. I never even knew that monkeys could live in this kind of climate, with how cold it is, but there they were. For $300. I took a monkey home, thinking how much fun it was going to be. Sadly, it was January and the poor thing froze to death when my pick-up broke down and I had to walk five miles. Not wanting to see my money go completely to...
Thanksgiving is fast approaching, meaning that day we fill our pie holes with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and pie. We watch our family or friends cook all day over a hot stove. The turkey is fried or cooked in the oven. All the side dishes are baked on the stovetop. But where is the pie coming from? Normally the grandma wants to make the pie, but nowadays it's the people who are not cooking turkey that bring that pie. Who really makes it? The saying "I made it myself" can mean many different things like: I got everything, all...
Recently I have been having a weird craving for brains. Probably because Halloween is coming up. On the other hand, maybe it's because so many people say I could use some. In either case, 'tis the season. About a week ago I got bitten by a creepy looking raccoon. It was walking on its hind legs, with its paws hanging loose from its front legs. I could see it was missing teeth, had glassy eyes, and walked really stiffly and slowly. It also smelled like it was dead. I tried to run, but it was like I was in a trance and couldn't move. After it...
This is the month where weird things happen. You know, the bump in the night, or that thing you see out of the corner of your eye. I have learned that after you shoot whatever it was, 65% of the time it makes a good dinner. The other 45% we don't talk about it, like your special uncle. I have been hearing about this big moth-like human crashing into cars around Highway 2. It seems to only crash into cars that have light bars on them. I mean those light bars that make you feel like you just looked at God. This creature is said to be some 6 feet...
Still traveling around the United States. We recently went to a weird zoo, in Oklahoma. When I say weird, I mean they have a restaurant right next to the zoo that serves the animals that are in the zoo. The highest-priced item was $100,000, which is Aye-aye soup. I was so fascinated by the different items on the menu, I asked the server to talk to the cook. The cook walked out of the kitchen like someone had told him his food sucked. As he walked up to me, he looked me dead in the eye, Saying, "What is the problem this time???" I told him no...
My wife and I have been traveling to visit friends and see our kids. God, has it been a long trip of nagging and earplugs for me and the dogs! Last week we end up in Tulsa, Arizona. I found out very quickly that going outside at night in Montana is nothing compared to Arizona. I walked outside at midnight to smoke a cigar and saw all these creepy creatures crawling on the ground. I was so weirded out I never even lit my cigar. The next morning I ask the hotel manager about it and he said those "things" are scorpions. He did not say anything mor...
I have recently had a mining accident and hit my head. I am starting to feel normal, which is unlike me, so I felt like writing my best edible recipe. INGREDIENTS: 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder ¼ teaspoon salt ½ cup unsalted butter, softened 8 oz. cream cheese, room temp 1 ½ cups granulated sugar 2 large eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Date filling: 25 dates without pits 2 teaspoon of lime juice ¼ granulated sugar DIRECTIONS: Mix the wet ingredients in the mixing bowl and then add the...
This last week I noticed a lot of small sparkly creatures flying in the air at night. I tried to capture one but had no luck. I called one of the locals who hunt bugs and he said to turn on a big LED light at night and the creatures would come towards the light. So that night I put a light on and waited an hour. I when back outside and all these sparkly creatures were sitting around the light in a circle. As I got closers it seemed like they were talking to each other and that freaked me out. So I ran up and started to stomp on them. Then I...
Hiking and camping season is upon us. People come from every state just to camp and hike in Montana. Our woods are bountiful and amazing. But when you go hiking and camping you are plagued by bloodsuckers called ticks. Sometimes you get one or two ticks on you and sometimes even more. I found ticks pairs very well with a peanut butter sandwich and are high in protein. The tricky part of this recipe is catching the ticks. Worst, you could get Lyme disease. You could hike thru the woods and wait for them to latch on to you, but this method is slo...
It is that time of the year when the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone in the neighborhood wants the best-looking grass and will do anything for it. There are many factors that help you achieve the best grass, but there is more that can destroy your grass. Voles seem to be the biggest enemy on the flats of Butte, MT. I have not hunted in Whitehall. How do you get rid of voles? There are three ways I have heard people try, but only one results in the best BBQ vole I have eaten. The first way is to put a garden hose into the hol...
It is that time of year where you start to uncover the BBQ and clean off your deck. Everyone is looking for a new and exciting BBQ recipe. We had a reader, Alice, from New Jersey send in a recipe for rack of wombat. I had to Google what a wombat was, and they don't live in New Jersey. She wrote to me explaining that in 2000 to 2002 near Jackson there was a zoo. Every now and then an animal would escape. One year a wombat got out and Alice shot it thinking it was a big rat. New Jersey is known for their big rats. There are a lot of people that g...
Everyone believes jellybeans come from the Easter bunny, and it is true. But did you know you can make your own bootleg jellybeans with an army of albino rabbits? The Easter bunny is like a bee. The bunny eats flowers and then regurgitates balls of pure sugar AKA jellybeans. The Easter bunny, when traveling, will eat all the flowers it can find. The natural sugar in the flowers helps them make their journey across the world. This is also why we do not see many flowers in March and the first part of April. Because the Easter bunny only comes...
It is that time of the year when the squirrels are coming out of the trees and starting to tease my dog. I am on the same page as my dog I hate seeing them and I try to chase them away. I really hate squirrels because they chase away all the pretty birds. So, about 4 years ago, I started to shoot them with an air rifle. The problem with shooting them is they can sometimes get stuck in the tree, and other times as soon as the body hits the ground the dog would come up and grab it. I thought and thought about what the best way would be to get...
Jackalopes are one of the hardest animals to find, but there is a big population in Whitehall. Jackalopes live in the same areas as antelopes but act like gophers. The reason why you don't see them is that jackalopes only have their antlers two months out of the year. In January and December, jackalopes grow antlers and start to fight over the females. As they fight, their antlers fall off and the one who has the antlers left gets the best female for breeding. The other 10 months of the year the jackalopes just look like skinny rabbits and that...
Due to the fact that chicken prices are increasing, we needed to find an alternative meat. A wonderful reader emailed me about this problem. Dizzy Izzy lives off the coast of the Pacific Ocean. She recently noticed an increase of the nuisance Blue-footed Booby. The birds flood the coast and poop and make noise 24/7. Due to the fact they only lay one egg at a time, they are not a substitute for egg laying chickens. Izzy explained she didn't start out to kill the booby, but wanted to chase them away. At first she used a paintball gun. It worked f...
Back in 2015, our sleepy town of Whitehall was plagued by a Chupacabra. Not all of Whitehall was affected, but the goat farmers were scared. A little back story, Chupacabras are like wolves. They are hairless beasts with long tongues. They are faster than a wolf and smaller than a pit bulldog, and only eat goats. They normally live in hot places like Mexico. We still don't know how it made its way all the way to Montana. The theory is that one of the new people in town brought it with them when they moved here or one of the local farmers...
I was inspired to write this article about an animal that reminds me so much of my wife. You know, very cute and cuddly, but when you try to pet it your head might get ripped off. One of the most dangerous small animals in Montana is the badger. Badgers are very hard to find, on top of how dangerous they are to capture. I try to never hunt them at night because they look so much like a skunk under the moonlight. The one time I did hunt at night, I caught a skunk and did not realize it until I got home. I was sick that week with a head cold. I...
Yetis are close cousins of sasquatch. Yetis live in the Himalayas and other cold places, including Alaska, but just like humans, they like to visit their families at Christmas. So, when winter hits in Montana, Alaska yetis walk down to see their cousins. You are wondering, if they walk down from Alaska, why do we never see them? Yetis have the ability to make snowstorms so that no one can see them or trace them. They also have thick fur, with the chameleon-like ability to blend into the background, wherever they are. The heavy coat, plus...
Due to the genetics in my family, I am autistic and very OCD, which makes certain things obsessively important to me. Therefore, in the interest of truth and honesty, I feel it is my duty to expose all the supposedly innocent grandmas who serve their families “homemade” dinner on Thanksgiving. We all know that grandma loves to cook homemade pies and cookies, but does she really do it from scratch? I sent a poll around through Facebook and email to 200 people, asking about their grandma’s cooking. The first question was, how does grand...
It is now the season to start thinking about what to have for that Thanksgiving dinner table. I found that you don't always have to have turkey. We cook geese every other year. The drawback to having a goose for dinner is having to pluck all the feathers, but my grandpa in Butte found a way to get free plucked geese. My friend "Dennis" (not his real name, to protect him from potential liability), heard that geese fly into the Berkeley Pit where the acid water not only kills them but removes the feathers as well. Dennis has a friend who works...
During the month of October, I find myself eating more candy and sugar, and less meat and protein. So, I looked up different ways to get more protein. I looked everywhere on the internet and couldn't find anything that sounded good to me. So, I asked my cousin Jimmy. Just a little back story about Jimmy, he is inbred, er, I mean genetically challenged, and loves to eat insects. Jimmy suggested that I try cockroaches and sugar, he said it's like ice cream with French fries. I tried it, but could never get the right sugar-to-roach ratio right....
Werewolves run rampant during the month of October, but you need to double-check it is not a kid dressed up. The way you tell the difference is the size and smell. Werewolves smell like grandma's house (old ham) and are taller than 6' 2". Kids are smaller and smell like mac and cheese. Hunting for werewolves is very tricky. On the one hand, you don't want them to rip you to shreds and make you their dinner. On the other, it would be socially unacceptable if they were to transform back into humans during your killing or cooking. For some...
This week we are hunting for the most elusive bird in all the world. The blue footed red tit snipe. I have tried for years and years to catch a snipe, hearing many old wives say their meat is as tender and tasty as wagyu beef. For years I have gone outside at exactly 2:15 AM to try and catch a snipe. They are only awake from 2:15-2:45 AM. That time gives them enough time to hunt and procreate. I don't think I appreciated the necessary precision and following the rules to the letter, but I learned. So, pay attention! Once you are outside, you...
It is the time of the year in Montana that if you don't have a well-made home you start to see mice and rats in the house. I know this does not happen to everyone, but my house is built like a sieve, it has a lot of holes from over the years. I try hard to keep the mice out, but I always get enough to make a mice-meat pie (that is about 30-40 mice) once or twice a year. I know you are thinking, how do you get enough mice to make a pie? Why not use rats, they have so much more meat on their bones. I never eat rats, it's like eating a skunk that...
My cousin Jim-Bob lives off the coast of Tasmania and he goes fishing a lot. One night he was checking his crab pots and found a blobfish. The best way to describe the way this fish look is your wife before she puts on makeup or a woman who does not know how to say no to cosmetic surgery. Jim-Bob did not know how to cook it, so he asked his friends and random total strangers the best ways to cook a blobfish. One person said just to throw it back because something that ugly would only bring bad luck. The second maybe-expert said to just throw...
